Celebrating true African beauty

Confessions of a modern wife: It is ok to be you

Do you know any of those couples who you certainly cannot see one without the other? You know, those couples who go everywhere together, do everything – and I mean, everything together, including trying to look like peas of same pod by wearing similar colors or clothing? I know some and believe me, I never in my wildest dreams wanted to be like that!

Not that there is something wrong with that; my problem is that I grew up hearing about couples who were so similar and inseparable that they were starting to look alike! Oh yes! 😀 But seriously though, I think that by my nature and upbringing, I am one of those people who make good team players but also enjoy being apart from the team. I was raised a very self-aware, only child for twenty-eight years until my twin siblings arrived seven years ago. I was so self-aware that it was extremely hard for me to be influenced by people because I had such a strong sense of rationale and “good sense” to know who I was, who I wanted to be and where I wanted to be and with whom I wanted to be. When you have this individualistic personality, you don’t want a partner that is overbearing, clinging and too dependent on you. So, that is the kind of person I am. And guess what? I married someone like that!

My husband and I more than sixty percent, have two separate social lifestyles. I married a party animal while I am the more reserved, creative writer who values her solitary more than anything else. I love a good TV show too so I would rather sit at home than be out partying. For the past nine years that I have been married, I have never called my husband on a Friday night to ask where he would be at or what club he and his friends would be rocking at. I don’t  try to come between he and his friends because they all have been together since childhood and teenage years. I do not judge his friends; in fact, they are great guys and I have learnt to respect my husband’s lifestyle because I want my solitude respected as well. I do not come in between his sports as well – never!

What I have come to learn in marriage – and especially from our friends’ experiences is that no adult whether male or female, wants to be closed-marked so to say by “spy-like” spouses wanting to know everything you do and try to control you. 

Seriously, if you want to be happy in a relationship, let there be allowance of freedom and less control.

Over the years, my husband tried to draw me into his night life but I couldn’t fit in. At that time, I couldn’t handle the loud music because I wasn’t much of a drinker! Oh yes! I think you need a good amount of alcohol in your system to enjoy loud music! And now that I can handle my liquor – yeah me! 😀 I can handle any party you throw at me.

Still, I would rather stay at home.

I don’t think anyone wants to stay in a cagey relationship; they are unhealthy. If you are the sort who is defined by your spouse, then you would have a hard time living with an independent, self-aware partner.

Differences are great; they make life more interesting. The key is for the couple not to be too individualistic in the relationship that they forget to spend time together. I love wining, dining, visiting museums, going to the theaters and learning new cultures; my husband loves what is familiar. Still, we have to compromise to celebrate what the other person enjoys.

It is ok to be independent and different; but do remember to create “we” times that is special to you two alone.

Tell me what you think. Please leave a comment.


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